Cried as I left Eliza. Moved to Dallas. Cried as Eliza left the US. Worked at a bookstore. Bought a garage full of books (actually). Lived with four cats. Reconnected with my family, mostly. Believed as hard as I could in God on earth. Learned to live alone and love it. Allowed myself to wait. Said farewell. Talked about Jesus in Texas. Came home faster than I thought. Tried to keep myself the same. Inevitably changed. Grew in my belief of a smarter, more loving, less rational, more sane deity. Grew in confidence. Got adopted by a cat. Learned how to stay quiet. Learned Turkish. Stabilized. Realized I can’t write papers all that well. Applied. Slept. Didn’t sleep. Held out. Talked more. Talked softer. Talked less. Talked smarter. Listened more. Learned how to listen more. Tried to talk as little as possible. Created little. Slept in living rooms. Loved a cat. Loved a person in Bulgaria. Tried to set my life up for the future. Tried to be nicer to everyone. Tried to be nicer to myself. Failed. Tried to be ok with failing at all of that. Let things go on unending. Got engaged over Skype.
This year I think I was decidedly less of an asshole, less awful to people, less solipsistic, less loud-mouthed and unthinking. I was still all of those things above, but I think/hope I was less of those things.
It’s funny because so much of my life right now is staring forward (Eliza getting home, finding out if I’ve got funding for a field study, learning more languages, scholarships, etc.) that looking back I can’t quite recall the order of events or how much I’ve changed. I’ve got to slow down a bit, I guess, and realize where I was and where I am. I’ve also got to eat better and go to yoga because my back is fucked up.
And, finally, this is the year that I became fully sick of the internet. I’m going to be clocking out of my blog (in operation since October of 2008!) in favor of trusting myself on my own more.
If anyone is interested in keeping up with me, you can friend me on Facebook, or email me (alexander.christman at gmail).
I’m logging out for good in the next two days. But I’ll still be visiting pages in my spare time because I love all y’all. If y’all get a bunch of direct-link visits from Utah or Kentucky - that’s me. Don’t be afraid!
Love to all y’alls and thanks for 4+ years! Oh and sorry to everybody I was an asshole to.
P.S. I also want to impart words that meant the most to me this year:
“Because I’m allowed to feel how I feel.”
In lieu of an end of the year mixtape, I put together this video which pretty much explains my entire year and has the only music in it that I actually even listen to.
So cat bless y’all, happy new year, love.
I do not know how the Major sprained his paw do not ask me doctor I don’t know
my kitty princess is sick :<
(and, apparently from the top photo, cuddling with a 5 hour energy shot. Gucci Maine, what are you doing, that is not appropriate for a cat)
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Only 28 hours left! Check this out and spread the word!
Please please please reblog and donate if possible.
23 hours left.
I left my cat out in the rain for about 0.2 seconds too long, which makes for some interesting facial expressions.
I’m such a nice girl, I’m so sick of being fuckzoned!!!!!!!
What’s the fuckzone you ask? it’s this zone that guys put you in where they only want to fuck you; they don’t want to have a friendship with you and they aren’t satisfied with emotional commitment, they just want sex!!!!!
I’m a nice girl!!!! Stop putting me in the fuckzone!!!!!!!
-everybody talking so much
-everybody talking so loudly
-I’m not allowed to sleep all day in a darkened room
-I’m not allowed to sleep all day in the middle of the busiest room in the house
-I’m not allowed to quietly sit in a corner and never look at or listen to anyone
-everybody is fucking with my cat and I don’t like it
-everybody won’t just go into their rooms and be quiet
-what are they even talking about
-people in my hometown openly discussing my sex life and it somehow gets back to my family who then casually mentions it
-I want to read from my collection of books while I’m home but in between trying to sleep all day and night and not being allowed to, I’m just too exhausted
-having to pick between shitty chain restaurants to eat at
-too much on television
-everybody is so loud
-please be quieter
-I’m trying to sleep
You Blew It! - Medal Of Honor
I’m not a fucking trophy,
But to you I might as well have been.
I think it’s the greasy, snack-food induced headache talking, but I have to get this off my chest:
I cannot eat any more salads with almonds, pecans, fruit, goat cheese, and blue cheese in them. I cannot eat spinach. I. I cannot eat these things. The mere thought of cheese, walnuts, and spinach together with some sort of sickening vinaigrette makes me want to black out.
I do not know how things got this far. I want to blame Pier One Imports and the Midwest’s obsession with stainless steel appliances. I do not know. All I know is that instead of that bullshit, my body has insisted on only eating capicola, pickles, seltzer water, tonic water, lemons, limes, marble rye or just rye, simple cheeses, and cucumbers covered in salt.
I do not know what happened but I think my palette rebelled against American Exotic Salad culture and went Eastern European.
This has been going on for years.
I am just now able to talk openly about it.